Damn You, Lions Gate

This happens every single fucking year at about the same time. I love the “Saw” series. For me they are well on their way to becoming my favorite horror franchise of all time. That title of course hinders on the release of “Saw IV,” which is to be released this October. For those of you who are familiar with the last entry in the series, you know of the fate that fell upon both Jigsaw and Amanda. For me, it was the ultimate “fuck you” ending for Jeff. BAM! Cut my throat and I got your daughter, bitch! Now that is gangster. Now another “fuck you” moment recently hit me. Aristeo brought up “Saw IV” a few days ago and ever since then I have not been able to get it out of my head. So to satisfy my own need to get this out and into the world, here is exactly what I am thinking about the upcoming entry.

Jigsaw and Amanda are dead. Not like Freddy or Jason dead, but “my woman got shot and I got my throat cut open with a circular saw” dead. Despite this fact, we have a “Saw IV” that stars Jigsaw. What the fuck? How? Why? This is literally killing my brain cells. I cannot figure out a logical reason. The director, the producers and Tobin Bell himself have said, “Jigsaw is dead. He is not a ghost. He does not rise from the dead. He isn’t in flashbacks only. There is no evil twin either.” Yet Tobin Bell returns as Jigsaw in this SEQUEL. This rules out a PREQUEL aspect. Not only is he in the movie, but he has just as much screen time as he has had in the previous two films. I cannot wrap my mind around this concept. Everyone is being so damn cryptic about how this is possible. Apparently, his appearance in the film is explained perfectly within the first five minutes of the film.
It is also well known at this point that for me, “Saw” had the best ending in horror movie history. I have never met anyone who has told me, “I saw that coming.” Not only are you full of shit if you say that, but you should also be beaten with copies of “Charlie’s Angels.” Now, the director is saying that he returned to the franchise because of an ending that may overshadow even the first film. This is a HUGE statement. The balls on these guys. The nerve. Seriously. They are promoting this as the biggest entry in the series. Not to mention the ending is supposed to make you look at the series as a whole in a different light. Oh, and did I mention that a director has already been hired for “Saw V” and “Saw VI?” Yeah, you heard me.

I cannot figure out if this is the boldest move in horror history, or the slow painful destruction of the smartest horror franchise. “Saw” has always managed to keep me on edge with anticipation. I have never guessed the ending of any of them, and have always left the theater appreciating the franchise as a whole. With Jigsaw dead, and another three movies being released, they are basically kicking it into high gear. I must not be as smart as I thought because my brain is seriously killing me.

So what do we know for sure? Well according to the director, there are key moments or items from previous films that we need to pay attention to in order to get an idea of what “Saw IV” has in store for us. We know that character wise both Detective Eric Matthews (Donnie Wahlberg) and his son Danny are important. The key Amanda had around her neck, the envelope she opens at the end of “Saw III,” the tape Jigsaw pours wax all over and the flashback of Jigsaw with a hot blonde are all important as well. None of this means anything to me as of yet. They won’t release any pictures or clips or any info that give me any kind of idea. Taking pride in the fact that I always know everything about movies has been a strong point for me, but this is just killing me. Dr. Gordon rumors have been floating around since way back when “Saw II” was released, so I think it is unlikely to see him again, least as far as “Saw IV” goes. To make things even worse, the director has come out saying that he reads the online rumors. He reads what the fans think, and so far, nobody has even gotten close to what this film is about, or how it will end.

My life sucks until October 26th, 2007.

The Four Movies You NEED To See

So the summer movie season is almost over, and then we get the drought (with a few exceptions) until next summer, which so far is shaping up to be the greatest summer for movies in history. The marketing on a lot of films have already begun, so here and now I am going to take a closer look at the bigger movies being released in late 2007 to 2008.

“Saw IV”
It wouldn’t be October without the release of another “Saw” movie. I count on them like clockwork now. So far the franchise has yet to lose steam, or let me down in any way. For me, “Saw IV” is the most daring and exciting for the simple fact that when “Saw III,” ended, it pretty much left little to no room for a sequel. We have been promised that no twin brother or dream excuse will be given, and that no supernatural explanation will be given. Yes, Tobin Bell is back as Jigsaw.
Here is what we know: Jigsaw and his apprentice Amanda are dead. Now, upon the news of Detective Kerry's murder, two seasoned FBI profilers, Agent Strahm and Agent Perez, arrive in the terrified community to assist the veteran Detective Hoffman in sifting through Jigsaw's latest grizzly remains and piecing together the puzzle. However, when SWAT Commander Rigg is abducted and thrust into a game, the last officer untouched by Jigsaw has but ninety minutes to overcome a series of demented traps and save an old friend or face the deadly consequences.

Prediction: The film was written by Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton, who were responsible for “Feist,” a film which I really enjoyed. Darren Bousman is back as director, which also says a lot. Jigsaw’s involvement this time around is explained within the first five minutes or so, and the twist is being hailed as the best in the series. As long as everything falls into place logically, this is shaping up to be the best in the series.

“John Rambo”
It has been damn near twenty years since the iconic figure of Rambo has blown shit up on silver screens across the world. Most people give “Rambo III” shit because it took place in Afghanistan. Which holds true, but it was back in the 80s before they decided to put a monkey wrench in our program. I have been looking forward to this film since I heard rumblings back in 5th grade. Rambo is simply one of the best characters ever created. He is a character, much like Rocky Balboa, that I care about what happens to.
Here is what we know: John Rambo now resides in Thailand. He owns a boat and catches poisonous snakes on the river. A group of Christian missionaries offer him money in exchange for a ride up river and into Burma, where villagers are being slaughtered and enslaved by invading armies. The missionaries offer food, water and medical support. After the missionaries are detained by the invading army, some are killed, while others are taken hostage. So Rambo enlists a few younger soldiers and goes in for the kill.

Prediction: I have watched the trailer for this over one hundred times. The first half of the trailer is amazing. We see Rambo much as he was in “First Blood,” just drifting and keeping to himself. He refuses to get involved in the Burmese conflict, stating that “it’s none of my business.” He has seen so much death, that he has nothing to hold onto. It is through these missionaries that he is shown God, and all that salvation can offer. The second half of the trailer looks to be a promise. A promise that this will be the bloodiest film in the franchise. Stallone takes this film back to the 80s and gives us a look at what a real action movie feels like.

“Indiana Jones and the City of the Gods”
Just as Stallone did with Balboa and Rambo, Ford is doing with his career defining role. He returns as Indiana Jones next summer, along with Spielberg directing and Lucas producing.
Here is what we know: Not much. The script has been kept under extreme wraps. Two rumors currently exist. One involving Area 51 and Aliens, which would fit into the time period the film takes place in. Another is the franchise coming full circle with another story about the Ark. This makes the most sense as we also see the return of Karen Allen as Marion Ravenwood. The cast is rounded out with Ray Winstone as Indy’s new sidekick, and Shia LaBeouf as Indy’s son. LaBeouf’s involvement is the most exciting part of this as every movie this kid shows up in turns to gold (“Dumb and Dumberer” doesn’t count).

Prediction: The last in the series to feature Ford as Jones. Rumor has it that Shia LaBeouf has signed on for three spin-off films. No idea how that will pan out. With everyone (minus Sean Connery) coming back, this cannot miss. There has never been a bad “Indiana Jones” film, and this should be no different.

“The Dark Knight”
When “Batman Begins” was released, it was instantly my favorite movie of that year. No film had as much working against it as this one did. Christopher Nolan and David Goyer started the franchise over from scratch, essentially separating itself from the Tim Burton movies. Tim Burton made shitty “Batman” movies. They were not DC Comics “Batman,” they were Tim Burton’s “Batman.” Hell, Jack Nicholson basically played himself in clown make-up. Then along came “Batman Begins,” and made us all forget that the other films even existed. Now we get the sequel, which is shaping up to be insane. Bale is back as Batman and Caine is back as Alfred. Gary Oldman is in there, too. They are joined by Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent (who eventually becomes Two-Face), Health Ledger as The Joker and Anthony Michael Hall (who is rumored to be Edward Nigma).
Here is what we know: With the help of Lieutenant Jim Gordon and District Attorney Harvey Dent, Batman sets out to dismantle the remaining criminal organizations that plague the city streets. The partnership proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a reign of chaos unleashed by a rising criminal mastermind known to the terrified citizens of Gotham as "The Joker".

Prediction: I will be seeing this movie about a hundred times. A trailer is attached to “The Simpsons,” and while it does not show anything you can certainly hear it. A conversation between Bruce Wayne and Alfred fills the theater. “In a move of desperation, the mob aligned themselves with someone they didn’t quite fully understand. Some men do not want logic. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.” Then we hear Ledger as The Joker. “Starting tonight, people will die. I’m a man of my word.” I am telling you, it makes a Jew weep. This time around Nolan has given The Joker justice. He won’t be anything like Nicholson. He will be just like he was in the comics. Not so much about the laugh as it is about the violence and insanity.

MOVIE REVIEW: Transformers

All this year I have been looking forward to "Live Free or Die Hard." Anyone who knows me knows that movies get me going more than anything else. My life is all about movies. Always has been, always will be. Everybody gets one passion in life, and this is mine. That having been said, "Live Free or Die Hard" was the best movie of the summer up until tonight. Tonight, I nerded out (way more than I intended-more on that later). Seven of my friends and I went to the sneak peak of "Transformers," and let me tell you, Michael Bay may have just made the best career move of his life. Anyone who is anyone at least remembers Optimus Prime from their childhood. That is who this movie was made for. Not the little kids. It was made for all the nerds, myself included, who remember the cartoon and wanted a full scale live action assault of awesome.
The film opens with a command unit returning to a military base overseas (unit includes Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson). Shortly after they arrive, an unidentified chopper flies in and begins walking around tearing shit up. Yes I said walking around. The first decepticon we see is Starscream (nerd). He is sent to this base to gather information on Sector Seven, a secret military base where a projcect, code named "Ice Man," is being kept. So we jump over to the good old USA where we meet Sam Witwicky (played with brilliance by Shia LaBeouf) and Mikaela (the smokin hot Megan Fox). Sam is a nerd while Mikaele is of course the hot chick who dates the jock asshole (she represents the women of America). So Sam's father (Kevin Dunn) takes Sam to purchase a used car. His first car ever. So Bernie Mac sells them an old Camaro, that Mac seems to have never seen before. That's right, bitches, it's Bumble Bee (you FUCKIN' nerd). Soon the car begins to drive on its own, opens doors on its own, and even sets the mood with music when Sam gives Mikaela a ride home. Then one night the car steals itself and drives to a location to transmit a beam of light, which essentially is used to call the other Auto-Bots to Earth. So now Sam and Mikaela learn of the All Spark, which both the Decepticons and Auto-Bots are after. The device can destroy the world by turning technology against humans, and forever enslaving the race. So the rest of the film is essentially action sequences with Cons vs. Bots.Remember the feeling you got after watching "Jurassic Park?" Like not only is this something special, but also a milestone for special effects in general? Well this film has it all as well. There are a few sequences in there that I have no idea how they did it. The money was well spent because this film made everything look flawless in terms special effects. It is basically eye candy caught on camera.I have been a fan of Shia LaBeouf since he was on "Even Stevens," so fuck everyone who just joined the bandwagon. The kid has instant charisma and timing that only rivals Michael J. Fox, and nobody hates him. This kid will go far. How far? Well, LaBeouf is now filming his role as the son of Indiana Jones in the fourth movie in that series, which is due out next May.The movie itself was just incredibly fun to watch. Coming in a two and a half hours, it seemed to go by quickly and left everyone wanting more. Of course we get the nod to potential sequel, which of course there will be. With "Live Free or Die Hard" closing out an era of a franchise, "Transformers" kicks in with the start of a new one. From here on out though, expect every 80s cartoon to pop up as a live action film. "Thundercats," "Vultron," and "Masters of the Universe" are all being talked about as new film projects.


So back to my being a nerd. This franchise is a cash cow. I am fighting every urge to get into my car right now, go to Toys R Us, and buy Bumble Bee and Optimus Prime. "You'll never get a girlfriend again!" Yes, but there is a good chance that will never happen again anyway. So really, what I am waiting around for.Like it or not, "Transformers" is going on my best of the year list.