The Clown Prince of Cinema

So 2008 is shaping up to be the greatest year for movies that I have been witness to. We're going to be faced with "Iron Man," "The Incredible Hulk," "John Rambo," "Indiana Jones and the City of the Gods" and "Saw V." We cannot discuss "Saw V" however, as my brain simply cannot handle dealing with the plot for two different "Saw" sequels, neither of which has been released as of yet. So next summer is the return of the big movie summer, something I have not seen in years. Probably one of the biggest films of 2008 is going to be "The Dark Knight."

Let me nerd out, if I may. When I saw "Batman Begins" all those years ago, it was a momentous event. It was the end of the shit streak that plagued the Warner Bros. franchise. Let me just tell you that if you like Tim Burton's "Batman" over Christopher Nolan's "Batman Begins," then this article isn't for you. The film wasn't for you in the same way that a brain isn't for you. So close this page, and go stick your head into the oven because the world of film hates you.

The appeal of the new film does not necessarily come from Batman, or Bruce Wayne, this time around. Yes, Christian Bale is back in a role he was born to play. In fact, everyone is back (except for Katie Holmes, who has been replaced with a better actress in Maggie Gyllenhaul). So we also have Aaron Eckhart as Harvey Dent/Two Face, but this still isn't what the success of "The Dark Knight" is riding on. It all comes down to whether or not Heath Ledger can pull off The Joker.

Jack Nicholson never did it for me. In Tim Burton's "Batman," Nicholson essentially played himself in make-up. As a kid, we all loved this movie because this was the closest we ever got to a cool Batman. Then, as you got older (and nerdier), you came to realize that Tim Burton made his own vision, and basically raped the source material. I mean come on, The Joker killed Bruce Wayne's parents? Lame (and nerdy that I know the truth). Not to mention Nicholson played it too campy. It was a comedy routine. There was no terror in the character, and that was Burton's mistake. The Joker is my favorite character to ever come out of a comic book, so I want to see him done right (that's what she said). I was a little worried when Heath Ledger was announced to play the Clown Prince of Crime. Out of everyone I thought of, this was the last guy on my list. Then again, Christopher Nolan made "The Prestige," and "Memento." The man knows how to find great actors when he needs them. Then the first picture was released.
This peaked my interest a little bit. The picture is insane. The evil grin of The Joker comes from a scar that runs from ear to ear. Not to mention Ledger was steering clear of what Jack Nicholson had done with the role. From every report I have read so far, this is suppose to be an insane, psychotic and unstable Joker. The way he was meant to be portrayed all along. Then came the tease trailer (and what a tease it is) which had only a moment of what Ledger sounds like.

The man has an interesting as hell take on the character. A recent article over at IGN had this to say about recent footage screened for an audience in Chicago. "One shot reversed my worries into unadulterated enthusiasm. The shot is focused directly on The Joker as he sits in a prison (or perhaps Arkham Asylum?) cell. The room is bathed in a blue light, but more important is what Heath Ledger is doing. I suppose it sounds odd since I already said he's sitting, but there is an element of instability and rage in that shot that I instantly picked up in that brief moment. The expression on Ledger's face is perfect. This isn't a fun-loving, zany character. You're not going to giggle and see him playing with toys. This is a disturbed man who is so scarred, physically and psychologically, that he has crafted a clown persona to cause chaos in the world - to steal, hurt and kill innocent people." This says it all, and now my anticipation for the films of 2008 triple.

It's A Trap

Okay so my life pretty much consists of trying to solve "Saw IV" right now. I sit at work, and I literally read the IMDB boards all day trying to get an answer. Lucky for me everyone at the site is retarded. So director Darren Bousman has gone on record to say that each photo has a clue as to the film. The tagline for the film is "It's a trap." I took a look at all the photos that have been released and found a common thread throughout them all. Let us take a closer look.
Each photo contains a cross of some kind. Mix that with the tagline, and I think we have a double cross on our hands here. Who exactly is getting double crossed? Why is Jigsaw alive? Why do I have this much time on my hands? Yes I am single, why do you ask?

I Just Don't Get It

Hollywood is a confusing little bitch sometimes. A lot of people just go to the movies and end it there. Not me. When it comes to myself, I love to know all about the politics. I want to know how deals are made, why choices are made, and what exactly goes into running the "biz." Sometimes things happen, however, that I just cannot wrap my fantastical brain around. It is the same feeling I get at work when the men's bathroom smells like buttered popcorn. Or why most of the married women at work feel the need to tell me that if they weren't married they'd date me. It is creepy, weird and confusing, much like the following list of shit that I just do not get.

Let's start with you, Eli Roth. When you made "Cabin Fever," I was there. It was an "Evil Dead" type homage with such a sick and twisted sense of humor that it was hard not to like it. Not to mention it starred Ryder Strong (let's face it, we all love the "Boy Meets World" kids). So it was only a matter of time before we go to see his second outing, which unfortunately turned out to be "Hostel." "Hostel" was a cash in movie that I am convinced would have never happened if it was not for the "Saw" franchise coming first. What is the difference between the two, you ask? That is simple. "Saw" has substance and story. It is not violence for the sake of violence. The is a method to the madness in "Saw" where as "Hostel" was just an attempt to show the audience how far the envelope could be pushed. Then we had "Hostel Part II," which was like waking up with your head stapled to the carpet. Pure surprise. I felt like I was raped twice in three years by the same person. It was the same story but with three women this time. Maybe if they do a "Hostel Part III" they will mix it up and have two guys and a girl, or two girls and a guy. Ohhhhhhhh wouldn't that be something?? I will never understand how "Hostel Part II" was ever made.

Next we come to Len Wiseman. The man who is married to Kate Beckinsale (reason enough to like him) and director of both "Underworld" movies and "Live Free or Die Hard." Every site I go to seems to bash this man. Fans hate him for some reason, and it is all because of his "Underworld" movies. When he was announced for "Live Free or Die Hard" people went nuts. You would have thought that it was the downfall of the film industry. He was just announced today as the director of the remake for "Escape From New York." Now you know my feelings on remaking the movie that made Kurt Russell's career. It makes about as much sense as finding a perfectly normal woman, marrying her, then cheating with Aristeo (burn). My feelings for this aside, I trust the man to do his job. With "Live Free or Die Hard" he showed us all that he could handle action. Above all else, he could handle a high profile action franchise. People forget that we have worse people in Hollywood (Uwe Boll and Paul W.S. Anderson come to mind as people who should have been aborted at birth). I will never understand the hatred for Len Wiseman.

This next one I will catch a lot of shit for. I like an original romantic chick flick as much as the next guy (which means I hate most of them), but understand that there are some realy good ones out there. Ask any man or woman which romance movie they love to watch, and like clock work, the answer is always "The Notebook." The sexes are all crying during "The Notebook." Now I am not here to call it a bad movie, because it wasn't. Sure it had its cheese, but what romance movie doesn't? My beef with this one is that I do not feel as though it deserves the tears that it is getting. I cannot figure out why either. Maybe the actors? That is hard to imagine as both actors were great, and have been in pretty much every movie since then. My opinion lies in the characters. I did not believe in them at all. I did not care for them, or what happened to them. I sat there waiting for something to happen that would engage me, but it never came. So I sat there while everyone around me cried. What did I feel? I felt a little angry that I was missing out on what other people were getting out of this movie. So while you cried, I was mad. Maybe it is just me, but I cannot buy into a romance movie that does not have a sense of realism. Trust me, go home and watch "Alfie," a movie that has so much realism that it doesn't even acknowledge the existence of Jennifer Lopez. I will never understand crying during "The Notebook."
My man, Bruce Campbell. I'm a fan. I guess I am more of an "Evil Dead" fan than I am a Bruce Campbell fan. He is an outstanding guy, a great writer, and a shitty actor. Everything outside of the "Evil Dead" universe has been canceled or on TV as a Sci Fi Pictures Original. He is just a terrible actor. Are you telling me that "Alien Apocolypse" or "Waxwork II" are classics? I have supported the man in the past by giving each film a chance, or each TV a single viewing. I can't keep doing this anymore. It would be different if he played every character like Ash. Then I'd be talking about how cool all his Sci Fi movies are. Bruce, come back. Make one last "Evil Dead" movie with Sam Raimi and just call it quits. Do voiceovers for "Evil Dead" games, Old Spice commercials and write books for the rest of your life. Retirement has so much to offer. If not that at least make better choices. Since I can predict the future, I forsee BJ whining about how good "Burn Notice" is and how it was just picked up for a second season. To that I say even "Brisco County Jr." made it longer than one season. I will never understand Bruce Campbell's career choices.

To the producers at Lions Gate who continue to ruin my life. Why do you insist on remaining tight lipped about the future of "Saw?" What are you gaining from this? Did Aristeo put you up to this? Like I do not have it hard enough right now, you have to keep the fate of Jigsaw under wraps. I have invested so much of the last few weeks into reading all the blogs on "Saw IV." I have endured so many crappy opinions over at IMDB or The House of Jigsaw. And you, Darren Bousman, you have even come right out and said that you are reading the posts of these people. So you can obviously see some of the more retarded opinions, so why not show me some mercy by just telling me how Jigsaw can appear in not only "Saw IV," but two sequels beyond that? That would in no way ruin the huge twist you have planned. Am I to believe that Jigsaw only appears in the next trilogy in flashback sequences? Like me, that is a little hard to swallow (oh snap!). At this stage, I will be honest with you. If my life were a "Saw" movie, the huge twist would be that I am suing you and the producers of Lions Gate for taking precious time away from my life these past few weeks (time that is well spent at home doing nothing). I will never understand why the "Saw" franchise takes over my life from August to October.

MOVIE REVIEW: Rush Hour 3

When the first "Rush Hour" came out it was a pleasant surprise. Nobody really expected it to make as much money as it did. At that time, Jackie Chan's movies in Hong Kong were better than his Hollywood vehicles and Christ Tucker was a little known comic. The movie was funny as hell and had great action. Then came "Rush Hour 2," which upped the action and the comedy. At that time, it would appear as though the buddycop film was making a comeback. Not since the first three "Lethal Weapon" movies had that genre been this much fun. Prior to "The Simpson's Movie," "Rush Hour 2" was the highest grossing comedy. So to say that my hopes were high for "Rush Hour 3" is an understatement."Rush Hour 3" opens with James Carter (Chris Tucker) on traffic duty, which is exactly where we could see this guy going after the crazy police work he has done in the past. Lee (Jackie Chan) on the other hand is also in Los Angeles escorting his old friend, Ambassador Han. Han has some important information regarding the Triads, and he shares this info with the World Criminal Court. While making a speech, he is shot. So Lee and Carter once again reunite to fulfill the request of Han's daughter, Soo Yung, to find the man responsible. Turns out the one responsible works for the Triads and is none other than Lee's brother. Yes, that's right, the brother that was never mentioned in any of the other films. So Lee and Carter head to Paris, where they are driven by George (Yvan Attal), a cab driver who hates Americans. So then we get some action, some loud mouth comedy, and some dancing, which are all capped off in the end by showing some hilarious outtakes.
The problem with "Rush Hour 3" is that it was the "Lethal Weapon 4" of the franchise. They had all the time in the world (six years to be exact) to get it right, and they failed. It did not feel like the same series. Do not get me wrong though. Chris Tucker was funny as hell, but that might have been the only redeeming quality. Jackie Chan was not given anything to do. At 53, Chan still looks good, but I figured due to his age he kept it quiet this time around. Wrong. Watch any of Chan's movies in the last few years ("Gorgeous," "The Myth" and "New Police Story") and you will see him still kicking ass like he was in his 20s. "Rush Hour 3" had no big action sequences. Nothing that really stood out.

I was also a little put off by Jackie Chan this time around. I read an interview with him talking about how even though he and Chris Tucker are BFFs, Chan dislikes making "Rush Hour" movies period. He does them because his fans love them, and it keeps his exposure in the United States. Chan was okay in the movie, but I just felt bad for him because in a film like this his talents are wasted. Chris Tucker still has a lot of energy, and he brings it out here. He is still one of the funnier comedians working today, and I wish he did more than "Rush Hour" movies.

"Rush Hour 3" is a letdown for me. I wanted to love this movie as I love the first two, but it was too far off the mark for me. The chemistry between Tucker and Chan is there, and for that, I would see a "Rush Hour 4" (supposedly set in Africa), but I am hoping that if they do one more entry, they spend a little more time and effort. Trust me, do what I did after seeing this movie. Go out and buy some real Jackie Chan movies like "The Legend of Drunken Master," "Operation Condor," and "Mr. Nice Guy."

Why, Cuba? Why?

Friends, we are gathered here today to morn the loss of a great career. Some things in life just are not funny. The death of a friend who was driving drunk. Someone close to you who has turned to drugs and ruined his or her own life. The beautiful friend who choses the asshole and gets pregnant then dumped. Actually, all of those things are funny. What is not funny is the tragic career of Cuba Gooding Jr. It is no laughing matter people. It is depressing to see this man in action. Jason French got into his accident because he went out, got drunk, watched “Rat Race,” and then purposefully went and fucked himself up. BJ lives at home because frankly, he does not think he can handle a world in which “Snow Dogs” exists. Cuba had won an Academy Award for his role in “Jerry MacGuire,” and was outstanding in his roles in both “Pearl Harbor” (shit movie. Needed more Cuba) and “Radio.” Unfortunately, that resume also has the likes of “Rat Race,” “Norbit” and “Boat Trip.” Well, as if shitting three times was not enough, let us add one more to the list.

“Daddy Day Camp.” Daddy fucking Day Camp! Watching the previews for this was embarrassing enough. Then you find out that not only is it a shitty sequel to a shitty movie, but Cuba Gooding Jr. is taking Eddie Murphy’s leftovers. Wow, that should give your ass a hint and a half. Eddie Murphy made “Beverly Hills Cop III,” “Pluto Nash,” and “Showtime.” All shit movies that he AGREED to be in. So when Eddie Murphy turns down a movie role, you know it has got to be bad. So in comes Cuba Gooding Jr. and agrees to not only be in the sequel, but to PLAY THE SAME FUCKING CHARACTER. That is how bad it is. Even Jeff Garlin stayed away from this one. In fact, every single returning character has been recast.
What happened, Cuba? Do you need money? I will gladly kick Mike Camilleri out of my guest room and let you sleep in there until you get back on your feet. I doubt it is money, however. According to IMDB, the man has four other movies that are to be released this year. Four other movies that actually sound good. One of which is “American Gangster,” starring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. So how does one go from making horrible comedies to starring in big movies, where I know for sure he will be great? I have no clue. Everyone is allowed to make a bad movie now and again, but four crap movies in the past few years?

Cuba, come back. The comedy thing is not working for you. You should have been nominated for your role in “Radio.” It was a great movie. Then I go to Hollywood Video and find you on the cover of not one, but two, direct to video movies. You have a movie coming out in 2008 called “Harold,” about a janitor who befriends a young boy in school going through a rough patch. It sounds awesome. Please do not follow it up with “Daddy Day Spa,” or “Rat Race Marathon.” I’m begging you. Haven’t you done enough? It’s time to quit messing around and come home now.
Maybe as fans, we could all get a collection plate going? Maybe sign a petition or something? I mean come on, he deserves it more than Jason French does. Burn.