Summer Movie Fling

Summer is always the big time of year for movies, and the summer of 2007 will be no exception. I will be at the movies two or three times a week judging from the list of films coming out this year. Let’s tackle some of the more important films from May to August and give some predictions on how they will fair.

May 4th sees the return of the webslinger in “Spiderman 3.” This film should be nothing short of amazing seeing as how we are getting not one, not two, but three villains this time around. Sandman, Hobgoblin and the much anticipated Venom. Now, the only way this film can go wrong is if Venom does not get the amount of screen time that he deserves. Fans have been demanding Venom since the very first film, so let’s hope that Raimi does him justice. Since I am not a big “Shrek the Third” yet, I will skip right on over to “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.” I am stoked for this one. I recently saw a preview (had to change my pants twice) and it looks to be the best of the series so far.
Then we move right along to June and we are hit full force with several huge movies. We start with Judd Apatow’s “Knocked Up,” which sounds as if it will be this year’s “40 Year Old Virgin.” The following week is “Ocean’s 13.” I am stoked for this one. I loved the first two movies, and for some reason, they simply ooze cool. In this outing, Danny and the boys return to Vegas to go up against Al Pacino. That same weekend my girlfriend will be dragging me (kicking and screaming, mind you) to “Hostel: Part II.” A movie that will be so bad, it will be torturing its audience. Lucky me. Then we move into “The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” and “Evan Almighty.” I will skip past those in favor of “Live Free or Die Hard.” Man this should be great. As long as I get one John McClane one liner than rivals my favorite in “Die Hard with a Vengeance,” then we will be fine. For those of you who do not know the best line in that film was this:

(McClane, covered in dirt and blood, walks into the bank and up to the guard on duty)

McClane
Detective John McClane, NYPD.

Guard (looking at a beaten and battered McClane)
Are you alright?

McClane
Yeah, it’s laundry day.
July is another big month. We start the month off with Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” I am looking forward to the movie, but not the fan boy backlash it will stir after the nerds find all the discrepancies (wait wait wait, Optimus Prime never had flames painted on!!!). Then we get, or shall I say, hopefully we get a great ghost story in Stephen King’s “1408.” Harry Potter is in there somewhere, as is “The Simpson’s Movie.” The TV show has been past its prime for some time now, so it will be interesting to see whether or not the movie has been saving all the good material.

August is when things wind down for good. Only two movies start that month that are worth mentioning. The long awaited “Rush Hour 3” is finally coming up. I should mention that yes, Chris Tucker did get twenty million dollars for this movie, even though his last film was, yup, and you guessed it, “Rush Hour 2.” Then we cap the summer off with another remake/reimagining with “Rob Zombie’s Halloween.” No clue how that one will turn out, but I do know that Rob has gone into Michael Myers back-story and revealed much of what made Myers so scary. Nice job, Rob.
So there you have it. The summer films that you should be going to see. If I left anything out, then you’re going to summer movies for the wrong reasons.

The Serious Approach

In my review of “Reign Over Me,” I discussed a few names that apart of a new movement in Hollywood. Adam Sandler, Bill Murray, Dane Cook, and Jim Carrey are all comedians who have taken a more serious approach to their acting in the last few years. For some comedians, it is working. Look at Jamie Foxx. The man was Ugly Woman Wanda during his stint on “In Living Color.” Now look at him. He won an Academy Award for playing Ray Charles, he was nominated a second time for his role in “Dreamgirls,” and he is friends with Oprah. That is how you know that you have made it. When you and Oprah are chillin’ at one of her homes, you know you got it good. Let us now take a closer look at some of the people taking a more serious tone in their careers.

Adam Sandler is a name that I never thought I would have added to this list. The guy was on SNL for years, has released countless dirty albums (funny as hell though, remember The Goat?) and started his career with “Billy Madison.” Sandler did transition nicely into a different genre however. I remember it first happening in “Big Daddy.” He played a majority of the ending with more serious overtones. He started making his goofy characters seem more sympathetic. His movies slowly started to get more emotional and he changed into a more dramatic actor. Then came his first dramatic role. He played Barry Egan in Paul Thomas Anderson’s “Punch Drunk Love.” I loved this movie because it was classic Sandler in a different environment. Due to the plot and situations surrounding him, suddenly you felt sorry for him. Then years later he did James L. Brook’s “Spanglish.” The script for this one was not as good, so Sandler did not really have much to work with. He did as much as he could have done with that role. Recently, he starred in the outstanding “Reign Over Me.” I have never used the term “gut wrenching” to describe a performance before, but Sandler did it. This is the movie I will always remember him for, and not necessarily because of his Bob Dylan hairstyle. He brought depth, emotion and sympathy to a role that could have easily been mediocre at best in the hands of another actor. I never thought I would say this, but I would love for Sandler to do more serious roles in the future.
Dane Cook. It is no secret that I have no love for Dane Cook. I have read reports that the man pays off other comedians because he shares “similar material.” I do know this to be the case with Louis C.K. I heard a side by side comparison of some jokes once, and clearly, Cook was shopping around to get his material. That is here nor there and if he can make a cool million off of ripping people off, then more power to him. People in Hollywood rip one another off all the time. I will admit that I did enjoy “Waiting…” which did feature Dane Cook, just not enough to matter. I recently saw previews for “Mr. Brooks,” which is about Kevin Costner as a successful, and likeable, business man who doubles as a murderer. Dane Cook plays the photographer who attempts to blackmail Costner. The audience found his recent role to be quite humorous. The acting looked horrible. I am not saying that Cook should ever do anything serious, but I am saying it is too soon. He is not the best actor in the world right now and should be honing his craft first before making the leap to Mr. Serious Douche Bag.
Bill Murray was someone who I was against for many years. I love all the old school Murray classics. How can one go wrong with “Meatballs,” “Stripes,” “Ghostbusters” or even “Groundhog Day.” Hell, I even love Bill Murray in “Space Jam.” So when he started doing movies like “Lost In Translation” and “Broken Flowers,” I was pissed. I was very much against seeing any sort of dramatic Bill Murray movie. It was only recently that I caught “Lost In Translation” on cable, and man was I blown away. Bill Murray was actually good. It also might have been that I had just watched “Garfield 2,” so anything I watched after “G2” would have been a masterpiece. Murray had the Sandler thing going on. He played a very respectable character that I actually rooted for. Seeing as how I wanted Murray to fail big time from the opening credits on, I would say that is a huge accomplishment.
Ready for a bitch fit? Here comes a bitch fit. Jim Carrey used to be a funny guy. He really did. I loved both “Ace Ventura” movies, liked “Dumb and Dumber,” and even laughed out loud when I saw “Me, Myself and Irene.” He definitely has a gift for physical comedy. Not to mention he gained a huge following of fans from those films. Now? Now nobody cares about Jim Carrey. Why? Because he is an asshole. Someone had to say it. For years he has gone on record saying that he is above comedy. Saying that he would never return to his old style of comedies because he was “better than that.” Those movies made you, pal. Without “Ace Ventura,” you would be nothing. So try to show a little respect, okay? (Disclaimer: I am very aware that Bill Murray held out of doing “Ghostbusters III” for years, but he has since agreed to reprise his role in the CGI version of “Ghostbusters III.”) This could have been avoided had he taken the Sandler route. If Jim Carrey had done a comedy, then a serious movie, then a few more comedies, etc, he would have been fine. Give the audience what they want, then surprise them with something new. Instead he dropped the comedy all together (“Dick and Jane” was not comedy, it was shit) and stuck with moves that nobody ever saw. I mean come on, has anyone seen “23?” I had a free ticket and I didn’t even go.
So in summation, fuck Jim Carrey and hail Adam Sandler. The man is living the career that Jim Carrey wished he had.

MOVIE REVIEW: TMNT

Nostalgia is an awesome feeling sometimes. This was the case with seeing the resurrection of pop culture icons, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I remember being a kid and seeing all the Halloween costumes, having all the toys, playing the video games and even buying the cassette tapes for the TMNT Concerts. To be truthful, the Turtles never really fell out of the spotlight. There have always been toy lines, television shows and games. I just lost interest the older I got. That is, until I heard there was going to be a completely CGI version of a fourth film. I had my doubts due to the dismal second and third films, and for the most part, some of those doubts went unfounded.

“TMNT” is set many years after the events of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.” You remember the cheap cash in where they sent the turtles back in time? Yeah, seems as though whenever a franchise is losing steam they sent you back in time or into outer space. Burn. So this film picks up with the turtles no longer together. Leonardo is in South America learning to be a better leader, Donatello works as a customer service rep (I feel your pain dude), Mikey wears a big fake turtle suit and goes to birthday parties where he is abused and Raph dons a metal suit and fights crime. So far so good until we get to Casey Jones and April O’Neal (voiced by Chris Evans and Sarah Michelle Gellar). Wow. Talk about continuity issues. April O’Neal now works as the owner of a freight company and Casey is her boyfriend/muscle for the job. Weird, but I am still along for the ride. So we are told the story of a proud warrior and his generals searching for immortality. The warrior finds a portal and upon opening it, he is granted immortality, but at a price. All his generals are turned to stone and thirteen monsters are released unto the world. So we come to present day and find the warrior, now known as Max Winters, (voiced by Patrick Stewart) is in search of his stone generals and the monsters. He wishes to send them back to the portal and parish, as immortality was not all that he had hoped for. So he has the Foot Clan working for him. They are now led by Karai (Ziyi Zhang), which was also confusing, but hey, it’s the turtles. So now it’s the same familiarity of the previous films in which we get the turtles learning to work together allover again all while trying to save the city from certain destruction.

The animation was outstanding for the movie. There were certain scenes that left me wanting more, or even left me visually stunned. If any sequels are made (which of course there will be) then CGI is the way to go. I even know that “Ghostbusters III” will be going the route of CGI, so it is not going away anytime soon, folks. I even like the design of the turtles this time around. Definitely more mature and closer to the original comic book roots.
The movie had great humor, nice action and I liked a change of pace in the story. So did I absolutely love this movie? The answer is no. Surprisingly, I was bored by it at times. Maybe I am too old for “TMNT?” I cannot be sure. The film was definitely the most “adult oriented” of the four films, and I appreciated that, but I couldn’t help but lose interest as the movie went on. I cannot quite put my finger on it either, which is frustrating. The film was fun to watch, and I love that the Ninja Turtles have not fallen the way of “He-Man” or “Power Rangers” and just fallen off the face of the Earth. The turtles have staying power, which is all apart of their appeal. Did I not like the film? Well no, I liked it; I just think that it could have done a better job in keeping my interest at times.

The ending gives us an almost kind of “Batman Begins” approach to setting up the direction of the sequel (Shredder Returns, anyone?), but sadly, by that point, I could not muster enough excitement. I also hear that for the sequel, the writer/director Kevin Munroe will be giving us an even more adult turtle’s movie by going the PG-13 route, so I would be eager to see that. All in all, I wanted to like this movie so much. I really did. It just fell short of what I was hoping for. I would still recommend it for fans of the old cartoon series. Hopefully the sequel will recapture everything I was hoping it would be.

MOVIE REVIEW: Reign Over Me

The term "bitch movie" is one that I claimed years ago. It is a term that applies only to men, but don't worry ladies, you can see it as the male equivalent to the “chick flick.” Every man knows what I am referring to when I say “bitch movie.” Every man has a few in his DVD collection. They are movies that no matter how many times you see them, they still make you cry (like a bitch. See what I did there?). For me these movies have been consistently the same: “Rocky,” “Rudy,” “Cocoon” and “Philadelphia.” The last one is almost a given since it stars Tom Hanks with some kind of problem (little known fact: it was stated as the 11th Commandment that any film starring Tom Hanks with AIDS, mental retardation or anything that doesn’t constitute being normal is a sad movie). After viewing Mike Bender’s new film, “Reign Over Me,” I am confident enough to add it to the list.

Before I get into the review, I should state that I am all for the comedian turning serious actor movement (Jim Carrey and Dane Cook are the exceptions, but that will be discussed in a future article). When Bill Murray did “Lost in Translation” and “Broken Flowers” I was pissed. Then I actually watched the movies and was taken back by how well he did in those roles. In this case, Adam Sandler had done “Punch Drunk Love” and “Spanglish,” both of which I loved. I could be getting ahead of myself here, but in my opinion, Adam Sandler should be remembered for this role long after he is gone.

“Reign Over Me” starts with Alan Johnson (played by Don Cheadle) and his family. Alan is a dentist who leads a very structured life. He feels stuck because he has no real friends, or hobbies for that matter. Then he reconnects with an old college roommate, Charlie Fineman, played by Sandler. Even though the two were good friends, Fineman remembers nothing about Johnson. The two have coffee together and Charlie slowly begins to remember. The two men are glad to have one another around and soon after seem to become the best of friends. Charlie is a bit off, however. Always remodeling his kitchen, keeps to himself, always has his headphones and never likes to talk about his past. Charlie’s wife and three daughters passed away six years earlier in one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center. After that Charlie simply made himself forget that he even had friends or family. Alan does his best to talk to Charlie, but is often met with hostile results. From there it’s mainly Alan doing his best to get Charlie to open up, and for Charlie to trust in his friend.
I cannot say enough about the performances in this film. Don Cheadle is always good, but here he is top notch. Not as stand out as his role in “Hotel Rwanda,” but definitely up there. The real stand out is Sandler, who seems made for this role. After seeing him as Charlie Fineman, I do not think I could ever picture anyone else in his place. As I mentioned above, I believe Sandler should be remembered for this role. He was tremendous and I think it would be an injustice not to nominate this man when the time comes. In fact, I would even go as far as to say I wish Sandler would do more serious work.

The first half of the film always hints that things are not going to end well. There is so much underlying sadness, and you never see it coming. At one point I was afraid that the film might not be as sad as I had hoped, but I got ahead of myself. After Fineman opens up and begins to talk about his family, it is all downhill from there. Scene after scene of non-stop sadness and the film truly dumps it on you. You feel so horrible for Charlie Fineman. Every event after Fineman opens up is more depressing than the one before it until we culminate in a court scene where BJ Novak (from “The Office,” and after this role, a true asshole) taunts Fineman with pictures of his daughters and wife. This was almost too much to handle.
The soundtrack for “Reign Over Me” is the best in years. We have it all here. One of the best Springstein songs to date is in there, as well as two versions of “Love Reign O’er Me” by The Who and Pearl Jam.

I loved everything about this movie. Everything just seemed to click between everyone involved. This is the best film so far this year, and will definitely end up on my top ten list for 2007.

UPDATE! No Escape From Remakes

Well at least one man is trying to clear his name of any wrong doing. Surprisingly, it isn’t John Carpenter. In a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly, Kurt Russell let his feelings about the “Escape From New York” remake be known.

“I will say that when I was told who was going to play Snake Plissken, my initial reaction was ‘Oh, man!’ [Russell winces]. I do think that character was quintessentially one thing. And that is, American,” Russell told EW.com.

Russell is of course referring to “300” star Gerard Butler. Now look, I have nothing against Butler. The man kicked a lot of ass in “300,” and I am sure he will be a huge star. I am just not willing to accept anyone else as Snake Plissken. What’s next? Collin Ferrell starring as John Rambo in a “First Blood” prequel? How about Brad Pitt as Indiana Jones? Or what about Matt Damon as Captain Kirk? Wait, that one is actually true.

“People come up to me and say, ‘You played Snake Plissken.’ I didn't play Snake Plissken, I created him!” Preach on, Kurt! Get ‘em!

My fear was that Russell would cave in and eventually make a cameo in the remake, or a possible sequel. Thank the Lord he won’t. “(Expletive) that! I am Snake Plissken! It’s like Sean Connery always watching someone else do their version of Bond. I think one of the things, for instance, about “Escape From New York” that appealed to me was that it wasn't a special effects extravaganza. It's a quiet, dark world and it revolved around watching the behavior of this one guy. He's a fascinating character. In fact, he’s the most complex character I’ve ever played.”
At this stage, the popularity of Gerard Butler is rising too fast to stop this remake. It will happen no matter what, so I might as well piss and moan all the way up to the release date. The only thing that could possibly happen is that “Grindhouse” will be released and Kurt Russell will be back on the ‘A’ list. It could happen. Tarantino brings back star power all the time. He did it with Travolta and got him to accept better roles than those talking baby movies. Who knows, maybe we’ll eventually get “Escape From Earth.” Sure, and maybe I’m a Chinese jet pilot.

The Kings of Crunk (Assuming Crunk Means Action)

Usually the term gay is derived from one man, and another man (usually Aristeo), who are “butt buddies” (the scientific term). I am adding a secondary definition to the mix. Instead of being “butt buddies,” a single person (male or female, although typically the latter) who has yet to see the heavyweight classics in all their glory can now be defined as gay. Massively gay. Smothered in gay. First one in the deep end of the gay pool. In other words, this gay:

Anyone who reads my blogs (none of you) and has seen my banner (the person who made it) knows I am all about the heavyweights. They only existed for a brief moment in cinematic history, but their mark can still be felt today. I am of course referring to the 80s icons; Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Russell, Ford and Willis (I left out Piper, Segal and Norris. If you want them, go read Aristeo’s blog). Nothing gets the people going like watching John Rambo massacre the entire Russian army (God bless you, Stallone), or watching John McClane running barefoot over glass while firing back at terrorists. How about the Indiana Jones racing through a dimly lit cave while a huge bolder is chasing down on him? It never got any better than this.

Sadly, nothing like this happens today. What do we have instead? We get to see Riddick starring in his own crappy movie that nobody asked for. We get the impossible automotive stunts of the “Transporter” (let it be said however that in this day and age, or until “Rambo IV,” Jason Statham is the only actor I will accept as a one man army). Not to mention everything is a rip off of a classic now. “The Hunted” starring Tommy Lee Jones and Benicio Del Toro? Yeah that was “First Blood.” How about “The Marine,” starring John Cena? It was cool the first time I saw it, back when it was called “Commando.”

There is hope, however. Thanks to Stallone and “Rocky Balboa,” we are about to get a revival of the 80s action. It is about time that the pros come in and show these “new guys” (I’m talking to you, Vin Diesel) how things are done. What’s even better is that most of these guys are now in their 50s or 60s, and still kicking ass. We can start with Harrison Ford. The man hasn’t had a movie that anyone has cared about in years. Did anyone really see “Firewall?” Ford recently signed on the dotted line for a fourth Indiana Jones film, which is rumored to be titled “Indiana Jones and the City of Gods.” Spielberg is back, Lucas is back, and now Ford is back. Scheduled for a May 2008 release, this one should definitely be a blockbuster.
Bruce Willis never really fell out of the spotlight. He had a streak of bad movies like ten years ago, but he makes solid movies nowadays. He seems to make films that we can all connect with, or play characters that we can care about or identify with. A fourth “Die Hard” movie has been on the horizon for years. The last few Willis’ movies were all penned as “Die Hard” movies, too. “Tears of the Sun,” “Hostage,” and even “16 Blocks” were all written with John McClane in mind, but were converted to a stand alone. Finally, this summer we get “Live Free or Die Hard,” in which a retired John McClane battles cyber-terrorists who are planning to shut down the Earth (remember the end of “Escape From L.A.?” Yeah, same idea).
Even Eddie Murphy, who is back on the rise, is attached to another “Beverly Hills Cop.” I love the first two movies, and after the horrible third (yeah, I said it, Aristeo) we deserve a better ending to the series.

Sadly, Schwarzenegger is busy ruling Cali-fo-rnia with an iron fist, but he is contractually obligated to appear in the upcoming "Terminator IV." From the look of things, he better get into the gym a little more often. I do not think a machine can gain weight like that.
This brings me to Stallone, the mother of them all. Last year he gave us “Rocky Balboa,” which was the swan song to the series. It was the perfect way to close the door on the life and times of the best character to ever come out of Hollywood. But now, he is in Thailand filming “John Rambo,” the fourth entry in the series. I cannot tell you how many false starts, or rumored scripts I have gone through on this one. Rambo gets the adrenaline pumping in everyone, and I am hoping he can do it again. The film is about Rambo living in Thailand and is asked by Christian missionaries to escort them across the river to deliver supplies to the persecuted Karen villagers of Burma. When the missionaries are captures by Burmese soldiers, it is up to Rambo to get them back. From what I have read, the film is the best in the series. I am sorry, but Diesel, The Rock (so far) and Statham have nothing on the above mentioned actors. Even in their old age, they are still bringing their signature characters back to the big screen. The best part is that it is working. Each of these films could easily fail, but they won’t because they are done in a smart way. The age of the actor is made aware to the audience, and it translates well to the characters. We obviously won’t be seeing John Rambo or Indiana Jones moves the same way they used to, but damn, they are still finding ways to make it entertaining.

This Guy Vs. That Guy (With The Option To Add A Third Guy)

It would have happened anyway, so why people are really against the sudden “Versus” film movement is beyond me. Way back in the black and white heyday, Universal capitalized on the horror icon’s squaring off. “Dracula Vs Frankenstein,” “The Wolfman vs. Somebody Else” or “Someone Scary Meets Abbott and Costello.” People did not seem to mind the popcorn fun back then, so why now? Afterall, Freddy Kruger, Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees have pretty much replaced the creatures of the night.

“Freddy Vs Jason” was in development for over a decade before it was finally put on the screen. I can not tell you how many scripts I read on the internet that were potential specs for the movie. Some of them were really good, while a majority of them were really crappy. Let me give you an idea of the scale I am working with. The best script I read (and the one I wished came to fruition) had Freddy and Jason returning to Earth from Hell as apart of the end of humanity (think Y2K). Each was larger than life (as they were featured in “Jason X” and “New Nightmare”). The final battle was featured in hell and contained returning characters from each franchise. The film would have easily cost one hundred million to make, and probably would have knocked them dead at the box office. The latter was a script that featured an imprisoned Jason Voorhees, who was on trial for the murders he committed (he should have got Johnny Cochran) when they learned that Freddy Kruger was the one who made Jason into the monster he had become. This had all the cheese in the world. A caring/sympathetic Jason, a one liner cracking’ Freddy Kruger and a horrible final fight that took place at the local mall. So, at this point, we can all agree that even though the idea of a “Versus” film is a little silly in the first place, there is still a right and a wrong way to do it.
So the next one up was “Alien vs. Predator.” Now there is really no excuse for this one. After each franchise was massively successfully on their own, it was only natural to put them together onscreen. Even “Predator 2” hinted at what was to come. As Danny Glover enters the mother ship of the Predator, he spots a trophy case filled with the skulls of different life forms. One of those was the skull of an Alien. So then came the “Alien vs. Predator” comic books, graphic novels and video games, all of which got it right. Now before I rip the movie a new one, I have a simple question for all of you. If you take the four ‘R’ rated “Alien” movies, and then the two ‘R’ rated “Predator” movies and then combine them, what should the final result be rated? No, Aristeo, you are wrong. It would only be logical to have the end result be rated ‘R.’ Notice how I said logical, which is not something Hollywood is known for (see any of the articles I write on this blog for reference). So even if you look past the fact that Paul Anderson made the film, the Predator’s look more like Ninja Turtles and it wasn’t even close to its source material, you are still left with a PG-13 crapfest. I blame the teenagers of America who make PG-13 horror such a profitable business for studios. The film apparently did so well that we’ll be getting a sequel early next year. Thank God Paul Anderson is nowhere near it, and the film is (so far) on the road to being ‘R’ rated.
The future holds much more than just horror and sci-fi crossovers. “Justice League of America,” which features a group of well known DC comic book characters, is in development. A film entitled “Batman vs. Superman” is in development at Warner Brothers as well. The inevitable sequel to “Freddy vs. Jason” is looking to add a third to the mix. At first, New Line was heavily pushing for Ash from the “Evil Dead” series. This choice, and only this choice, felt like the most logical way to go. I read the treatment and at least all three films are tied into one another. Hell, I even wrote a script for the supposed triple threat (which was better than the treatment in my opinion). At this point, it looks like we’ll be seeing John Carpenter direct “Freddy vs. Jason vs. Michael,” and yes, I wish I was kidding.
“Versus” films aren’t all bad news. Horror is not scary, or original, anyway. We might as well have fun with what we are watching, and if nothing else, at least the films mentioned above are just that.

No Escape From Remakes

So why is it that Aristeo and I have all these great ideas for movies, and yet Hollywood keeps coming out with the cash in rehash? You know what I am talking about. Horror seems to be the victim genre of choice nowadays. “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” “Friday the 13th,” and “Rob Zombie’s Halloween.” Wait. Rob Zombie? Wasn’t it “John Carpenter’s Halloween?” Not anymore. This is Hollywood we are talking about here. Classic such as the films listed above are all being remade for a new generation of moviegoers. Instead of renting the original and appreciating the old school (and for the most part only good) classics. I am sick of all the remakes coming out. It won’t be long before we are awaiting the remake of “The Matrix Trilogy,” or “The Star Wars Saga.”

In all of this, you would think the original creators would be furious. Well, all of them save for John Carpenter. That man has really stopped giving a shit. The main literally sits at home, plays video games, and eats fried chicken. Then, occasionally, he might sell the rights to one of his classic films. He did it with “The Fog,” which sucked so much ass compared to the original. Then he did it with “Halloween,” and sold the rights to Rob Zombie. Now, the biggest sin of them all is upon us. New Line Cinema has purchased the rights to remake “Escape From New York” starring “300s” Gerard Butler. This has to be one of the seven signs of the apocalypse. The original “EFNY” is a fantastic movie. Kurt Russell’s performance as Snake Plissken is awesome. If any performance can be compared to the badass Man with No Name (Clint Eastwood), it’s Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken. No disrespect to Gerard Butler, because the man was badass in “300,” but nobody can play Snake but Kurt Russell. Hell, I even like the often misinterpreted “Escape From L.A.”
For the last few years, Carpenter has been talking about the idea that he had for a third film, starring Kurt Russell. While plots details have been scarce, the title was “Escape From Earth,” and could have easily been a badass swan song to the franchise. Instead, the studio was not interested in bringing Snake Plissken back to the big screen. Thus, it falls under the “development hell” category never to see the light of day. Since “300” broke box office records and Gerard Butler’s star power is on the rise, studios were fighting over the rights to remake “EFNY.” This is bullshit. There was actually a bidding war (that New Line Cinema eventually won) over a film that last year nobody wanted to see. The worst part of this is that Kurt Russell and John Carpenter own the rights to the character, so not only did they know about the remake but they gave their consent to use the character.

New details have surfaced about the film in a recent interview with John Carpenter. While talking to The Suicide Girls, Carpenter said “I don’t know that it’s a remake. I think it’s a lot about Snake before he gets to New York.” Oh, so now we are going into the back story of the character? Well he’s fucked now. The reason that “Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning” was scarier because of Sheriff Hoyt (not Leatherface) and the reason why “Rob Zombie’s Halloween” will fall flat is because they delve into the character’s back story and try to explain the mystery behind the mask. The reason why Snake was so cool, or why Michael Myers was originally so scary, was because they had a mystery about them. Things that were never fully explained and the audience never seemed to mind. I personally do not care why Snake lost his eye, who the fuck Fresno Bob is, what happened in Cleveland and why everyone in New York thought Plissken was dead. They are answering questions that nobody seems to be asking (much like why Leatherface uses a chainsaw. Fuck you, Michael Bay).

At this stage I am almost positive that “Escape From New York” will be a huge hit. The fans will hail Gerard Butler and his star power will increase while everyone forgets that the original ever existed. The film will be a box office smash and then they will make sequels. But wait, they won’t be sequels starring Kurt Russell. Oh no. We’ll see sequels based off of the remake instead. Snake Plissken will be escaping from quite a few places, and the inevitable punch in the face will come when Kurt Russell has a cameo in one of the sequels. Maybe as Snake Plissken’s father. Okay, I’m getting pissed just thinking about it.

The end all and be all quote this week comes from Clint Morris, who works over at Moviehole.net. The man put it bluntly when he said, "To remake “The Hills Have Eyes”, “Black Christmas”, “Weekend at Bernies”, “Spies Like Us”, “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, “The Birds”… that’s fuckin ludicrous if you ask me – and if they had of asked me, we wouldn’t have been having this conversation; ha, who am I kidding? – Because they’re films that not only hold up well, but the studios don’t want to do anything different them besides make every character in the film under 20 and straight from The CW. The storyline, the twists, the turns… and the endings… are usually pretty much the same. It’s lazy fuckin’ filmmaking."

Amen.

I Love Me A Good Ol' Fashioned Celebrity Breakdown

Well here we are. The first edition of Hollywood with a Vengeance. You’re welcome. I’ve been all over the map with what I should write about first. Remakes are running rampant, the 80s heavyweights are making a return, and then there is the Queen of them all. The utter white trash that calls herself Britney Spears. The only thing that I can think of being a close second to her trashiness would be if Wal-Mart and WinCo joined forces to create a mega store. I can smell it now.

Her life has been so much fun for me to witness thus far. She goes from skinny little church girl (who was still a ho mind you) to Sigourney Weaver from Alien 3. It used to be that K-Fed was the loser, but shit, even that is a sliding scale nowadays.

So let us start at the beginning of her little breakdown. I love the fact that her female fans are just as stupid as she is. She was hailed as a true “woman of her time” when she broke loose from K-Fed. She had the kids and a career (even though she hasn’t released an album in years) and was on her way as a true role model. Her fans even made excuses for her when she was letting her lips hang out “like a wizard’s sleeve” while kicking it with Paris Hilton. Let it be known that being seen with Paris Hilton earns you a trashy by association label. So her female fans cry out and beg Britney to stop her excessive partying and drinking. Excessive usually means an addiction, something Britney has declined having on several occasions. Isn’t denial the first step? Sort of like Aristeo denying he likes men, but buddy, everyone knows how you like your salad.
So she agrees to go into rehab, but here is my favorite part, the night before she goes out on a drinking binge and club-a-thon. So now Britney is in rehab (for the second time) and hating every minute of it. Ordering people around, drinking two dozen Coke’s a day (who said she had any addictions?) and pissing and moaning all the way through it. If K-Fed was smart, he would take those kids away and get custody. Whoever said K-Fed was a loser isn’t giving the man his just due. His name exploded practically overnight, he got a record deal (then again so did William Hung) and the man makes $10k per appearance on national TV when appearing for WWE.

These things usually stem from people freaking out over all the attention or money they have fallen into. Britney seems to be a work-a-holic, and it is just now hitting her that she needs a break. Needs to take it easy. She obviously cannot handle all the money, so give it to me. I can tell you this, I can't wait to sell out. If Aristeo and I (mainly me) were to get rich quick off of our scripts, I could give you a no breakdown guarantee. You'd never see me shave my head or attack a camera man's car with an umbrella. even though we can all agree that this is the sexiest picture in the entire world:
I guess it all boils down to one simple fact: Britney Spears sucks at life. Whether it's almost dropping her baby in public or selling her hair on eBay, she just has no idea what she is doing anymore. Can I get an amen, Sarah Duenas?

The early warning signs were there, and through my extensive research and contacts, I have pinpointed the exact moment when Britney started her downfall. The results are shown below, and they are intended for mature readers only...