MOVIE REVIEW: Diary of the Dead

Stay away. Stay far, far away. "Diary of the Dead" wants you to think it's a good film. I read early reviews from people saying how good it was. How scary it was. How the humor worked. I'm here to tell you that Romero died with "Land of the Dead." How anyone could have liked this movie is beyond me. Zombie movies are a dime a dozen (just ask the resident 'Z' guru Aristeo). The best of the best for me (and anyone smart enough) is and will always be "Day of the Dead." With the fifth installment, I'm shocked to see it even in theaters and not in the discount bin.

We open on a promising premise. A news story on a father who killed his wife and child, then turned the gun on himself. As the bodies are loaded into an ambulance, they come to life and eat everyone. Then we get a narration (a painfully boring one at that) telling us that the following film is real, and that the footage is cut together with news footage, and music for added effect. Then we are told that the makers of the film want us to be scared. So we meet some film students who are making a final project entitled "The Death of Death." Then they hear that the dead are returning to life on the radio. So they all set out to make it back home. Along the way they hit a hospital, Amish farm (you heard me) and a Resident Evil style mansion.

*sigh* Where do I even begin? Let's start with how this movie stated the obvious at every chance. At one point a character shoots an undead in the head and exclaims "I shot him." Or "Hey an Exit." Or my favorite occurs as a character is alone in room charging the battery for the camera. He hears gunshots in the distance and says to himself, "I want to go see if I can help, but I'm plugged in." The movie is filled with shitty dialogue like this. "We should stay in the panic room and play Nintendo until this blows over." "I want to meet your brother and see if he has a Playstation." Or the character, who only exists to show cleavage, when she clubs a zombie and tells it to "Not mess with Texas." No, the movie doesn't take place in Texas.

At the same time, there are barely any zombies in this damn thing. When you do see them, they are shrouded in darkness, or shadows, or are too far in the distance. We don't get any idea of decay, something that every zombie before this one had.

The acting is God awful. These people need to be blacklisted so they never get a chance to act again. I know Romero has cast his share of bad actors in his films, but this takes the cake. The main group of characters is completely unlikeable. In fact, every other character in this movie aside from the main group is interesting, such as The Mute Amish guy, or the black militia who had their shit together (including the only good actor in this film).

The movie also is too unrealistic. Yeah, I know it's a zombie film, but fuck you. When a character is attacked, nobody helps. They simply stand by, calmly I might add, and continue to film. Or the scene in which, before they really have any idea about how the dead come back, run over three people in the road without even flinching.

How about the fact that this is suppose to be a handheld account? Nope, looks nothing like handheld. Looks as professional as any movie I have seen. "Cloverfield" was a much better movie. It made none of these mistakes.

To all those reviewers who said this was scary? Fuck you. This movie was boring and felt longer than it really was. The hospital scene I kept hearing about? Boring. The mansion? Is it over yet? So terrible.

Romero plans to continue the franchise from this point, and with that, it is official: The "28 (enter time period here) Later" franchise is now reigning supreme.

MOVIE REVIEW: Rambo

I've heard rumors of another Rambo film for over ten years now. I have heard the character would be married with a child, who would be abducted by a former Vietnam comrade. Then I saw a treatment for John Rambo working as an environmentalist for the United Nations when terrorists attacked. Then we've got Rambo helping a former soldier clear his name after he was framed by his own government. To say the least, all of these ideas were no good. With the recent Live Free or Die Hard we were also at risk of seeing a PG-13 Rambo. After having seen Rambo twice last night, I can safely say that this film is the best in the series since the original.

We open with actual news footage of the crisis in Burma. We are shown the recent protest by Monks, in which soldiers opened fire and even burned the Monks alive. We are shown refugees, and even treatment of them by the soldiers themselves. Then we open to a truck full of prisoners who are taken to a rice field. The soldiers plant land mines along the field and force the prisoners to run across it. Some make it, and some do not. The survivors are then shot to death. It was a powerful way to begin. We then meet up once again with John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone), who has been living alone in Thailand for the past twenty years. He is a snake wrangler who keeps to himself for the most part. Rambo is approached by Christian missionaries, led by Michael Burnett (Paul Schulze). The missionaries need passage into Burma along the river to bring medical supplies, food and religion to the refugees. They need Rambo's boat in order to do this. At first, Rambo wants nothing to do with this. His view of the situation is captured perfectly when Michael states they don't have weapons, to which Rambo replies, "then you're not changing anything." Rambo finally agrees after Michael's wife, Sarah Miller (Julie Benz), convinces him that saving lives won't waste his. So Rambo and the missionaries travel down the river to Burma, where they are dropped off and allowed to travel through to the village they seek. Ten days go by and they are never heard from again. At this point, all of the missionaries have been taken prisoner along with the villagers. Rambo is alerted by a Priest who has hired Mercenaries to their fate. He needs Rambo to take the mercs to the spot in which the missionaries began their journey. The rest of the film is exactly what you'd expect from a Rambo film, plus so much more.

Not since First Blood has a Rambo movie been so realistic. Gone are the days of one man versus an entire country. Unlike Live Free or Die Hard, our main character's age is taken into consideration, so we never get scenes in which John Rambo appears to be a superhero. In fact, much like First Blood, this film has Rambo keeping it fairly simple. He uses a handgun at one point to dispose of Burmese pirates, and then a .50 Caliber to fuck up everyones day. This time around Rambo is a lot meaner. He reminded me a lot of Clint Eastwood's character in Unforgiven. Just a mean old bastard when the time calls for it. We also learn that Rambo is no longer tormented by his past, which we saw a lot of in Rambo III. He has accepted that God made him for one reason, and he embraces it.

Brian Tyler takes over the musical score for the late Jerry Goldsmith. One thing that always stood out for me in these movies has been the music. Brian Tyler does an amazing job in keeping with Jerry Goldsmith, and never straying too far. The original Long Road Instrumental theme is well played in this outing as well.

Stallone has played up the violent aspect of this film big time. This isn't anywhere near the amount of violence we're used to in a film like this. At some points in the film, it is hard to believe that what were watching is an actual 'R' rating. We see children burned, stabbed, and shot. Limbs are chopped off. Heads are decapitated. It's a massacre that truly makes you wince at some points. The violence is needed to show a true life crisis however. Stallone has stated that it would be a disservice to downplay anything happening to the Karen people. Nothing goes unpunished in this film, however. The Burmese soldiers are a bunch of evil bastards, and when Rambo starts to hand them their asses, you get a huge adrenaline rush. In both showings I went to, the audience members were cheering the deaths of these soldiers.

Much like Rocky Balboa, Rambo is the perfect bookend to the franchise. First Blood is a classic, but the sequels (which I liked) strayed a bit too far. With this new entry, you can watch the first and last and be satisfied, much like you can now do with Rocky and Rocky Balboa. The ending to this film also sets up two events. It's the perfect full circle for the character without truly giving it the finality that we saw in Rocky Balboa. So if Stallone wants to carry out one more mission with John Rambo, it's completely within the realm of possibility.

It is also important to note just how crucial it is for this story to be told. The main villian is portrayed by Maung Maung Khin, who is an actual survivor of the genocide in Burma. He wanted the part so badly because he felt it was important for this story to be told. After completion of the film, his family was thrown into prison by the Burmese government. Thrown into prison just for bringing this civil war to the American public.

Rambo was a great action film. Due to the iconic character's status in American pop culture, and the importance of the storyline, it shows that even at 61 Stallone can make a bigger and better movie than the younger stars we have now.