The Kings of Crunk (Assuming Crunk Means Action)

Usually the term gay is derived from one man, and another man (usually Aristeo), who are “butt buddies” (the scientific term). I am adding a secondary definition to the mix. Instead of being “butt buddies,” a single person (male or female, although typically the latter) who has yet to see the heavyweight classics in all their glory can now be defined as gay. Massively gay. Smothered in gay. First one in the deep end of the gay pool. In other words, this gay:

Anyone who reads my blogs (none of you) and has seen my banner (the person who made it) knows I am all about the heavyweights. They only existed for a brief moment in cinematic history, but their mark can still be felt today. I am of course referring to the 80s icons; Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Russell, Ford and Willis (I left out Piper, Segal and Norris. If you want them, go read Aristeo’s blog). Nothing gets the people going like watching John Rambo massacre the entire Russian army (God bless you, Stallone), or watching John McClane running barefoot over glass while firing back at terrorists. How about the Indiana Jones racing through a dimly lit cave while a huge bolder is chasing down on him? It never got any better than this.

Sadly, nothing like this happens today. What do we have instead? We get to see Riddick starring in his own crappy movie that nobody asked for. We get the impossible automotive stunts of the “Transporter” (let it be said however that in this day and age, or until “Rambo IV,” Jason Statham is the only actor I will accept as a one man army). Not to mention everything is a rip off of a classic now. “The Hunted” starring Tommy Lee Jones and Benicio Del Toro? Yeah that was “First Blood.” How about “The Marine,” starring John Cena? It was cool the first time I saw it, back when it was called “Commando.”

There is hope, however. Thanks to Stallone and “Rocky Balboa,” we are about to get a revival of the 80s action. It is about time that the pros come in and show these “new guys” (I’m talking to you, Vin Diesel) how things are done. What’s even better is that most of these guys are now in their 50s or 60s, and still kicking ass. We can start with Harrison Ford. The man hasn’t had a movie that anyone has cared about in years. Did anyone really see “Firewall?” Ford recently signed on the dotted line for a fourth Indiana Jones film, which is rumored to be titled “Indiana Jones and the City of Gods.” Spielberg is back, Lucas is back, and now Ford is back. Scheduled for a May 2008 release, this one should definitely be a blockbuster.
Bruce Willis never really fell out of the spotlight. He had a streak of bad movies like ten years ago, but he makes solid movies nowadays. He seems to make films that we can all connect with, or play characters that we can care about or identify with. A fourth “Die Hard” movie has been on the horizon for years. The last few Willis’ movies were all penned as “Die Hard” movies, too. “Tears of the Sun,” “Hostage,” and even “16 Blocks” were all written with John McClane in mind, but were converted to a stand alone. Finally, this summer we get “Live Free or Die Hard,” in which a retired John McClane battles cyber-terrorists who are planning to shut down the Earth (remember the end of “Escape From L.A.?” Yeah, same idea).
Even Eddie Murphy, who is back on the rise, is attached to another “Beverly Hills Cop.” I love the first two movies, and after the horrible third (yeah, I said it, Aristeo) we deserve a better ending to the series.

Sadly, Schwarzenegger is busy ruling Cali-fo-rnia with an iron fist, but he is contractually obligated to appear in the upcoming "Terminator IV." From the look of things, he better get into the gym a little more often. I do not think a machine can gain weight like that.
This brings me to Stallone, the mother of them all. Last year he gave us “Rocky Balboa,” which was the swan song to the series. It was the perfect way to close the door on the life and times of the best character to ever come out of Hollywood. But now, he is in Thailand filming “John Rambo,” the fourth entry in the series. I cannot tell you how many false starts, or rumored scripts I have gone through on this one. Rambo gets the adrenaline pumping in everyone, and I am hoping he can do it again. The film is about Rambo living in Thailand and is asked by Christian missionaries to escort them across the river to deliver supplies to the persecuted Karen villagers of Burma. When the missionaries are captures by Burmese soldiers, it is up to Rambo to get them back. From what I have read, the film is the best in the series. I am sorry, but Diesel, The Rock (so far) and Statham have nothing on the above mentioned actors. Even in their old age, they are still bringing their signature characters back to the big screen. The best part is that it is working. Each of these films could easily fail, but they won’t because they are done in a smart way. The age of the actor is made aware to the audience, and it translates well to the characters. We obviously won’t be seeing John Rambo or Indiana Jones moves the same way they used to, but damn, they are still finding ways to make it entertaining.