Why, Cuba? Why?

Friends, we are gathered here today to morn the loss of a great career. Some things in life just are not funny. The death of a friend who was driving drunk. Someone close to you who has turned to drugs and ruined his or her own life. The beautiful friend who choses the asshole and gets pregnant then dumped. Actually, all of those things are funny. What is not funny is the tragic career of Cuba Gooding Jr. It is no laughing matter people. It is depressing to see this man in action. Jason French got into his accident because he went out, got drunk, watched “Rat Race,” and then purposefully went and fucked himself up. BJ lives at home because frankly, he does not think he can handle a world in which “Snow Dogs” exists. Cuba had won an Academy Award for his role in “Jerry MacGuire,” and was outstanding in his roles in both “Pearl Harbor” (shit movie. Needed more Cuba) and “Radio.” Unfortunately, that resume also has the likes of “Rat Race,” “Norbit” and “Boat Trip.” Well, as if shitting three times was not enough, let us add one more to the list.

“Daddy Day Camp.” Daddy fucking Day Camp! Watching the previews for this was embarrassing enough. Then you find out that not only is it a shitty sequel to a shitty movie, but Cuba Gooding Jr. is taking Eddie Murphy’s leftovers. Wow, that should give your ass a hint and a half. Eddie Murphy made “Beverly Hills Cop III,” “Pluto Nash,” and “Showtime.” All shit movies that he AGREED to be in. So when Eddie Murphy turns down a movie role, you know it has got to be bad. So in comes Cuba Gooding Jr. and agrees to not only be in the sequel, but to PLAY THE SAME FUCKING CHARACTER. That is how bad it is. Even Jeff Garlin stayed away from this one. In fact, every single returning character has been recast.
What happened, Cuba? Do you need money? I will gladly kick Mike Camilleri out of my guest room and let you sleep in there until you get back on your feet. I doubt it is money, however. According to IMDB, the man has four other movies that are to be released this year. Four other movies that actually sound good. One of which is “American Gangster,” starring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. So how does one go from making horrible comedies to starring in big movies, where I know for sure he will be great? I have no clue. Everyone is allowed to make a bad movie now and again, but four crap movies in the past few years?

Cuba, come back. The comedy thing is not working for you. You should have been nominated for your role in “Radio.” It was a great movie. Then I go to Hollywood Video and find you on the cover of not one, but two, direct to video movies. You have a movie coming out in 2008 called “Harold,” about a janitor who befriends a young boy in school going through a rough patch. It sounds awesome. Please do not follow it up with “Daddy Day Spa,” or “Rat Race Marathon.” I’m begging you. Haven’t you done enough? It’s time to quit messing around and come home now.
Maybe as fans, we could all get a collection plate going? Maybe sign a petition or something? I mean come on, he deserves it more than Jason French does. Burn.