I Love Me A Good Ol' Fashioned Celebrity Breakdown

Well here we are. The first edition of Hollywood with a Vengeance. You’re welcome. I’ve been all over the map with what I should write about first. Remakes are running rampant, the 80s heavyweights are making a return, and then there is the Queen of them all. The utter white trash that calls herself Britney Spears. The only thing that I can think of being a close second to her trashiness would be if Wal-Mart and WinCo joined forces to create a mega store. I can smell it now.

Her life has been so much fun for me to witness thus far. She goes from skinny little church girl (who was still a ho mind you) to Sigourney Weaver from Alien 3. It used to be that K-Fed was the loser, but shit, even that is a sliding scale nowadays.

So let us start at the beginning of her little breakdown. I love the fact that her female fans are just as stupid as she is. She was hailed as a true “woman of her time” when she broke loose from K-Fed. She had the kids and a career (even though she hasn’t released an album in years) and was on her way as a true role model. Her fans even made excuses for her when she was letting her lips hang out “like a wizard’s sleeve” while kicking it with Paris Hilton. Let it be known that being seen with Paris Hilton earns you a trashy by association label. So her female fans cry out and beg Britney to stop her excessive partying and drinking. Excessive usually means an addiction, something Britney has declined having on several occasions. Isn’t denial the first step? Sort of like Aristeo denying he likes men, but buddy, everyone knows how you like your salad.
So she agrees to go into rehab, but here is my favorite part, the night before she goes out on a drinking binge and club-a-thon. So now Britney is in rehab (for the second time) and hating every minute of it. Ordering people around, drinking two dozen Coke’s a day (who said she had any addictions?) and pissing and moaning all the way through it. If K-Fed was smart, he would take those kids away and get custody. Whoever said K-Fed was a loser isn’t giving the man his just due. His name exploded practically overnight, he got a record deal (then again so did William Hung) and the man makes $10k per appearance on national TV when appearing for WWE.

These things usually stem from people freaking out over all the attention or money they have fallen into. Britney seems to be a work-a-holic, and it is just now hitting her that she needs a break. Needs to take it easy. She obviously cannot handle all the money, so give it to me. I can tell you this, I can't wait to sell out. If Aristeo and I (mainly me) were to get rich quick off of our scripts, I could give you a no breakdown guarantee. You'd never see me shave my head or attack a camera man's car with an umbrella. even though we can all agree that this is the sexiest picture in the entire world:
I guess it all boils down to one simple fact: Britney Spears sucks at life. Whether it's almost dropping her baby in public or selling her hair on eBay, she just has no idea what she is doing anymore. Can I get an amen, Sarah Duenas?

The early warning signs were there, and through my extensive research and contacts, I have pinpointed the exact moment when Britney started her downfall. The results are shown below, and they are intended for mature readers only...