ADVANCED REVIEW: DOA: Dead or Alive

I have heard about this movie forever. I saw a preview months ago and rolled my eyes at the shitty puns, bright colored outfits and "Charlie's Angels" women in power approach. I managed to get my hands on a copy and watched it tonight because frankly, the only other option was to kick my own face in. So I threw it on expecting one big pile of shit.

"DOA" opens with Princess Kasumi (a woman in power? Now I know we're watching a video game movie), played by Devon Aoki, as she leaves her kingdom to find her brother. She kicks the shit out of 300 guards and all of a sudden jumps over a wall all plummets down a cliff where she strips off her clothes and magically has a parachute. Out of nowhere a flying star comes veering towards her face. She catches it and finds that she has been invited to the DOA tournament. Weird. Then we meet Tina Armstrong (Jaime Pressly) on her yacht. She is a pro wrestler who tag teams with her dad, played by Kevin Smith. She defends her boat against pirates (one of which is played by Robin Shou. Oh my, how Liu Kang has fallen). Then the same chinese star falls to the boat and, yet again, an invite for Tina to attend the DOA tournament. Then we get to Christie Allen, played by Holly Valance. Mark my words. One day I will meet Holly Valance, take her to dinner, then take her home to play Guitar Hero where we will both make fun of Aristeo and his shitty score. She is hot. Blah blah blah she beats the shit out of some federal agents, and you guessed it, chinese star. Did I mention she performed this beat down while her bra and a gun flew through the air, just before the bodies hit the floor and the bra falls into place?

So they all get to the island where we meet the other contestants, one of which is the black guy with green hair and a green goatee. Fitting with the stereotypical black guy, this one can't stop dancing or spouting ebonics. Nice. So then we meet Donovan, played by master of direct to video Mr. Eric Roberts himself. So a bunch more shit happens and we get wall to wall action.

Sigh. This movie had some kick ass action. It pains me to say that it never got boring. This movie was short and sweet. It was not a good movie by any means, but it sure was fun to watch, You know the kind of movie I am talking about. "Jason X," "Troll 2" or "Riki Oh." That is what this movie felt like. It teased gore and tits, neither of which we got. The jokes they did crack worked on a low level, but they still worked.

The four women (the fourth being Sarah Carter who played Helena) made the movie work because none of them took it very seriously. They knew the movie was tongue in cheek and made fun of itself, and they had fun with their performances. It didn't hurt that all of them looked great in a bikini, too.

I never would have seen this in the theater in a million years, even though it was light years away from the douche baggery that was "Charlie's Angels." This was not even a bad video game movie either. There have been much worse. "Doom," "Mortal Kombat 2," and "Resident Evil." "DOA" felt more like a "Super Mario Bros." or "Street Fighter." It was simply the best they could do with the material at hand. Then the credits rolled (but not before we were teased that every leading lady was going to get some ass) and I noticed the credit of Producer. The second in command to only Uwe Boll, Mr. Paul WS Anderson himself. The man who gave us "Resident Evil," "Mortal Kombat" and the rim job caught on film, "Alien vs Predator." I am embarassed. I felt tricked and betrayed. They waited to reveal Anderson's name until they knew everyone was having a good time. Then they dropped the load all over your face, and I felt stupid. Fuck, I can't believe I dug this film, even on a shitty good movie level.