Let Me Tell You the Days of High Adventure...

I am watching “Die Harder” right now and I am thinking to myself, “What could possibly make this a better experience?” I mean come on; it has a badass title (possibly the most in history) and a kickass action hero. What more could you ask for? I cannot help but think this package feels incomplete however. Then it hits me like a teabag to the forehead. OF COURSE! How could I be so stupid? John McClane needs a sidekick. Not Justin Long or Samuel L. Jackson. He needs the ultimate sidekick. One of legendary proportions. A man that makes even Chuck Norris fear the 80s as if it were one nightmarish entity. That man is a seventeen time Academy Award winner, a Grammy nominated artist, and the sole reason the Cold War ended. Yes, you guessed it. I am talking about Steve Guttenberg. There is a place for Steve Guttenberg in every film ever made. He was the King of 80s Cinema. He stands with the Hollywood Heavyweights and is not featured on my banner for the sole reason that you’d all piss yourselves with every new blog viewing. He deserves a “Weekend at Bernie’s,” to “Escape from New York,” and to “Live Free or Die Hard.” It was Guttenberg who deserved AIDS, not that bastard Tom Hanks. We can all agree that it should have been “Freddy Vs Jason Vs Steve Guttenberg.” Screw Harry, because we all know Sally was really thinking about Steve Guttenberg. Remember “Lord of the Rings?” Those films were merely an interpretation of how he conquered Hollywood. Yes, he IS that damn good. Steve Guttenberg was born sometime between 1860 and 1950 (historians are still determining the exact date and time of his birth, and whether or not one of his aliases was “Billy the Kid”). He spent most of his early childhood grinding grain by working on The Wheel of Pain (yes from “Conan the Barbarian. Where do you think they got it?) and was later sold into the world of cage fighting. It was here that Steve Guttenberg met Ted Danson and Tom Selleck (the Mormon cult will identify these three men as the ones responsible for giving gifts to baby Jesus). So after earning their freedom, these three men made their way to the coast. Upon arrival, they were offered lucrative contracts as Hollywood Heavyweights. Selleck and Danson ruled television with an iron fist (and hairy chest and a huge forehead). It was Guttenberg who made not one, not two, but sixteen movies during the 80s alone. He was a King of Kings. He brought us Carey Mahoney in four “Police Academy” movies. Later Shane Black would credit Guttenberg’s performance in this role as his inspiration for the creation of Martin Riggs of “Lethal Weapon” fame. Then came an almost third coming of Christ (or Joseph Smith for all my cult readers out there) when Guttenberg, Danson and Selleck reunited to create solid gold with “Three Men and a Baby.” It was like watching the Earth made by God all over again. Then, just as quickly as he appeared, Steve Guttenberg disappeared into the night. Many say that he lives in the mountains of China, others say he roams the hardware stores of Palisades, unable to afford tar. I personally think that after completion on “Making Change,” and having no further concern, he sought adventure in the west. Many wars and feuds did Guttenberg fight. Honor and fear have been heaped upon his name and, in time, he has become a legend by his own hand…and this story shall also be told.