I Just Don't Get It

Hollywood is a confusing little bitch sometimes. A lot of people just go to the movies and end it there. Not me. When it comes to myself, I love to know all about the politics. I want to know how deals are made, why choices are made, and what exactly goes into running the "biz." Sometimes things happen, however, that I just cannot wrap my fantastical brain around. It is the same feeling I get at work when the men's bathroom smells like buttered popcorn. Or why most of the married women at work feel the need to tell me that if they weren't married they'd date me. It is creepy, weird and confusing, much like the following list of shit that I just do not get.

Let's start with you, Eli Roth. When you made "Cabin Fever," I was there. It was an "Evil Dead" type homage with such a sick and twisted sense of humor that it was hard not to like it. Not to mention it starred Ryder Strong (let's face it, we all love the "Boy Meets World" kids). So it was only a matter of time before we go to see his second outing, which unfortunately turned out to be "Hostel." "Hostel" was a cash in movie that I am convinced would have never happened if it was not for the "Saw" franchise coming first. What is the difference between the two, you ask? That is simple. "Saw" has substance and story. It is not violence for the sake of violence. The is a method to the madness in "Saw" where as "Hostel" was just an attempt to show the audience how far the envelope could be pushed. Then we had "Hostel Part II," which was like waking up with your head stapled to the carpet. Pure surprise. I felt like I was raped twice in three years by the same person. It was the same story but with three women this time. Maybe if they do a "Hostel Part III" they will mix it up and have two guys and a girl, or two girls and a guy. Ohhhhhhhh wouldn't that be something?? I will never understand how "Hostel Part II" was ever made.

Next we come to Len Wiseman. The man who is married to Kate Beckinsale (reason enough to like him) and director of both "Underworld" movies and "Live Free or Die Hard." Every site I go to seems to bash this man. Fans hate him for some reason, and it is all because of his "Underworld" movies. When he was announced for "Live Free or Die Hard" people went nuts. You would have thought that it was the downfall of the film industry. He was just announced today as the director of the remake for "Escape From New York." Now you know my feelings on remaking the movie that made Kurt Russell's career. It makes about as much sense as finding a perfectly normal woman, marrying her, then cheating with Aristeo (burn). My feelings for this aside, I trust the man to do his job. With "Live Free or Die Hard" he showed us all that he could handle action. Above all else, he could handle a high profile action franchise. People forget that we have worse people in Hollywood (Uwe Boll and Paul W.S. Anderson come to mind as people who should have been aborted at birth). I will never understand the hatred for Len Wiseman.

This next one I will catch a lot of shit for. I like an original romantic chick flick as much as the next guy (which means I hate most of them), but understand that there are some realy good ones out there. Ask any man or woman which romance movie they love to watch, and like clock work, the answer is always "The Notebook." The sexes are all crying during "The Notebook." Now I am not here to call it a bad movie, because it wasn't. Sure it had its cheese, but what romance movie doesn't? My beef with this one is that I do not feel as though it deserves the tears that it is getting. I cannot figure out why either. Maybe the actors? That is hard to imagine as both actors were great, and have been in pretty much every movie since then. My opinion lies in the characters. I did not believe in them at all. I did not care for them, or what happened to them. I sat there waiting for something to happen that would engage me, but it never came. So I sat there while everyone around me cried. What did I feel? I felt a little angry that I was missing out on what other people were getting out of this movie. So while you cried, I was mad. Maybe it is just me, but I cannot buy into a romance movie that does not have a sense of realism. Trust me, go home and watch "Alfie," a movie that has so much realism that it doesn't even acknowledge the existence of Jennifer Lopez. I will never understand crying during "The Notebook."
My man, Bruce Campbell. I'm a fan. I guess I am more of an "Evil Dead" fan than I am a Bruce Campbell fan. He is an outstanding guy, a great writer, and a shitty actor. Everything outside of the "Evil Dead" universe has been canceled or on TV as a Sci Fi Pictures Original. He is just a terrible actor. Are you telling me that "Alien Apocolypse" or "Waxwork II" are classics? I have supported the man in the past by giving each film a chance, or each TV a single viewing. I can't keep doing this anymore. It would be different if he played every character like Ash. Then I'd be talking about how cool all his Sci Fi movies are. Bruce, come back. Make one last "Evil Dead" movie with Sam Raimi and just call it quits. Do voiceovers for "Evil Dead" games, Old Spice commercials and write books for the rest of your life. Retirement has so much to offer. If not that at least make better choices. Since I can predict the future, I forsee BJ whining about how good "Burn Notice" is and how it was just picked up for a second season. To that I say even "Brisco County Jr." made it longer than one season. I will never understand Bruce Campbell's career choices.

To the producers at Lions Gate who continue to ruin my life. Why do you insist on remaining tight lipped about the future of "Saw?" What are you gaining from this? Did Aristeo put you up to this? Like I do not have it hard enough right now, you have to keep the fate of Jigsaw under wraps. I have invested so much of the last few weeks into reading all the blogs on "Saw IV." I have endured so many crappy opinions over at IMDB or The House of Jigsaw. And you, Darren Bousman, you have even come right out and said that you are reading the posts of these people. So you can obviously see some of the more retarded opinions, so why not show me some mercy by just telling me how Jigsaw can appear in not only "Saw IV," but two sequels beyond that? That would in no way ruin the huge twist you have planned. Am I to believe that Jigsaw only appears in the next trilogy in flashback sequences? Like me, that is a little hard to swallow (oh snap!). At this stage, I will be honest with you. If my life were a "Saw" movie, the huge twist would be that I am suing you and the producers of Lions Gate for taking precious time away from my life these past few weeks (time that is well spent at home doing nothing). I will never understand why the "Saw" franchise takes over my life from August to October.